JR 05

If you live in Seattle, Portland, San Francisco or Los Angeles - I have good news for you! I’m supporting Flock of Dimes this December for the west coast leg of her US tour. I admire Jenn so much and was honored to have been asked to open for her. Our show at Healing Force of the Universe this past July felt really special and I’m thrilled to be able to share space with her and her audiences again. I suggest getting your tickets ASAP as they will sell out. Grab them here: jillryanmusic.net

As I think about returning to these cities along the West Coast — places I’ve played many times with my former band, Great Time — I’m filled with a mix of excitement and grief. The last time GT played Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, and LA was in April 2024, opening for our friends Sweet Pill. We didn’t know it then but it would be our final tour (of who were were at that time at least). Shortly after that run I moved out and the band went on a break. Since then, I’ve learned soooo much about myself. I feel like I’ve blossomed. I burned it all down to start anew and it has been… [insert every emotion on the feelings wheel] … a time! It’s not that I miss my “old life” but there’s grief inside me for sure. I know too much now and there’s no going back — and I don’t want to go back — but there are certain things I grieve.

I don’t feel like diving into every single piece of grief I have surrounding my former band but I want to mention this right now: there were parts of being in a band that made pursuing music as an independent artist so much more manageable. Being an indie musician is hard work. And in a group, the weight of that work is shared — everything from writing and recording to performing, booking, promoting, touring, making videos, designing merch and artwork... the list goes on. When you’re on your own, those tasks fall solely on you. You’re the one responsible for making sure it gets done. You don’t have anyone to hype you up. You gotta hype you up.

So yes, it was nice to delegate logistical tasks but I can’t help but think about how codependent I was, too. We all claimed certain roles which was helpful at times but it got to a point where I thought I simply wasn’t capable of doing certain things — I believed I wasn’t smart enough or talented enough to. I lacked self-esteem and I relied on my bandmates and partner far too much for my emotional well-being instead of myself.

This is all very complex and layered and I’m leaving out so many other factors and details but when I stopped ignoring and started listening to the parts of me that were begging to be heard, when I started tending to my old wounds and traumas — I met myself. I met myself again. I met so many of my selves and I learned (and am learning) that I got me. I am capable. I know myself better now. I can get myself through and I trust myself to!!! So many exclamation points because it feels like relief.

As I sit with my grief and let myself feel, I pendulate back to centered ground. There’s some clarity. Some spaciousness. Rooted and anchored. Excitement and anticipation. Bright and lifted. An internal hug. I got me.

I can’t wait to play my songs in these cities with Jenn. I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to. Her audiences are so sweet, attentive and thoughtful. See you in December!